Normally Ianto would be backing around right now, avoiding any vulnerability, but he's making himself calm down. He trusts Jack, just not himself. He needs this to work to have a sense of self again, but he's terrified of confronting what he's become.
The moment where he became this. He now knows there was a moment, but he can't separate reality from the false memories, and that's the part he needs help with.
He remembers confronting Adam.
Our little secret.
His perverse desires were known by Adam, but he promised to keep them a secret from Jack, so the immortal wouldn't hate him. That was why he and Adam were best friends, closer than brothers. Adam protects him.
Except Adam fed him falsehoods and made him something he's not. He can recall the man's hands on him, making him see those things, changing the way his brain works so he's no longer Ianto anymore, but a fading version of himself without the control he's so proud of.
"He put his hands on me," he says quietly, his voice distant and flat. Inside he's screaming to stop, because he doesn't want to remember this. It hurts too much and he's gone to hate himself at the end of it. "He made me recall what I am, and it hurt so badly, physically yes, but mentally my brain felt like it was being torn apart." He manages to almost repress the shiver, Jack's hands an odd anchor. "I resisted because it's not who I am. I don't think that way." There was a moment where he fought back, but then Adam crushed it.
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The moment where he became this. He now knows there was a moment, but he can't separate reality from the false memories, and that's the part he needs help with.
He remembers confronting Adam.
Our little secret.
His perverse desires were known by Adam, but he promised to keep them a secret from Jack, so the immortal wouldn't hate him. That was why he and Adam were best friends, closer than brothers. Adam protects him.
Except Adam fed him falsehoods and made him something he's not. He can recall the man's hands on him, making him see those things, changing the way his brain works so he's no longer Ianto anymore, but a fading version of himself without the control he's so proud of.
"He put his hands on me," he says quietly, his voice distant and flat. Inside he's screaming to stop, because he doesn't want to remember this. It hurts too much and he's gone to hate himself at the end of it. "He made me recall what I am, and it hurt so badly, physically yes, but mentally my brain felt like it was being torn apart." He manages to almost repress the shiver, Jack's hands an odd anchor. "I resisted because it's not who I am. I don't think that way." There was a moment where he fought back, but then Adam crushed it.