He's confused then, because beyond the myriad of emotions he's attempting to understand and bring up, Jack is asking him to tell him when it hurts. SO far the entire experience is nothing like he expected it to be, the touches almost gentle. He expected pain, anticipated it, lay awake thinking about it. He wants it because he wants to atone for what he's done, and somewhere inside of Ianto's mind, agony seems appropriate. He emotionally tortured himself after Lisa, only able to let go after cannibals beat him almost to death, and then he connected to Jack.
That is how Ianto functions. He connects to one solitary person and bases his entire being on them. He lives for Jack, and that is both terrifying and exhilarating for him. Being in love is an emotion he's familiar with, one he grasps for, but it's also a painful emotion. A contrast, pleasure and pain, intertwined in every memory of Jack.
That's when the pain begins. He hates how much he needs Jack because it makes him weaker. It makes him dependent, and Adam gave him a way out. Killing took the place of love, his need for the sensation of a neck struggling to take in air outweighing his need for Jack. Now that need to be himself again, the feel those emotions poignantly, is trying to shove through the false memories Adam gifted him with.
"It's hurts," he whispers, and the pain builds, thrumming in his head, harder and harder. He can almost hear the tears before he feels them, warm and wet on cold skin. He's shaking, his breath still controlled but every third or fourth he can hear a hitch, as the panic begins. What if he wants to stay this way? He's not as desperate for Jack's approval this way; he's his own person, free of regret, free of the pain of losing Lisa. He can be his own man.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2010-08-25 04:05 am (UTC)That is how Ianto functions. He connects to one solitary person and bases his entire being on them. He lives for Jack, and that is both terrifying and exhilarating for him. Being in love is an emotion he's familiar with, one he grasps for, but it's also a painful emotion. A contrast, pleasure and pain, intertwined in every memory of Jack.
That's when the pain begins. He hates how much he needs Jack because it makes him weaker. It makes him dependent, and Adam gave him a way out. Killing took the place of love, his need for the sensation of a neck struggling to take in air outweighing his need for Jack. Now that need to be himself again, the feel those emotions poignantly, is trying to shove through the false memories Adam gifted him with.
"It's hurts," he whispers, and the pain builds, thrumming in his head, harder and harder. He can almost hear the tears before he feels them, warm and wet on cold skin. He's shaking, his breath still controlled but every third or fourth he can hear a hitch, as the panic begins. What if he wants to stay this way? He's not as desperate for Jack's approval this way; he's his own person, free of regret, free of the pain of losing Lisa. He can be his own man.